Saturday, May 27, 2017

The Uprising

Somewhere behind the scenes,
There must be a time travelling me, 
Holding multiple scenarios of my times and lives,
Extended by the rope they could be?

And then maybe he nudged once a while..
To see how strong
The response could be

He would lighten up each time maybe
To see tears of dying hope
Throughout the night he would see her cry
And still would not pacify

The disease was now too wide spread
And slowly her will started to wither
This was not about a doctor in need
But a companion that she sought after

When hope ran too low
And the symptoms were severe
She could feel the curse
That was cast on her

A trusted love
Though failed to see
Her pain and misery
Her call to thee

She had to pick the fallen pieces
Of her heart before her body
Blaming her destiny
Would be an easy remedy

A long fight that lay ahead
Gave her the grim
The devil greeted her in many forms
While pain seethed her skin

She sought after the eternal
but he believed in love too
if you cant gather help
i dont think i can help too

He gave the advice
For me to look within
Dont rely on the world 
Too busy with their sins

She longed to sleep
Peacefully one day
Without the thoughts 
Of the disease conquering in any way

It was the cancer
Of the mind more than the body
Widespread and deep
Embracing her spirit

And on her way through the dwindling light
A restricting alliance she eagerly sought
Amongst all the hidden boundaries 
A little solace to her it bought

She gathered her strength
With all her might
Put the lever ahead 
To put up the fight

She would show the time traveller
His time for sport was over
It's now her turn to play
Just move on over!

PS: The title credit goes to a very dear friend Mayur. The author can rarely proceed without his opinions in these matters... :p


Thursday, December 1, 2016

Dear 30 something mothers..

While I am grappling between the pleasures of mother hood and balancing time for myself I am increasingly feeling a certain growing unrest amongst my fellow 30 something mothers. The internet is replete with articles which state how one is 'supposed' to loose ONESELF.. sacrifice your pleasures and dedicate all the time that you have at hand to watch your kid grow - at least for a certain time period, according to a Huffington post writer! Then there are those video adverts that keep rotating on Facebook and other social media channels which elaborate how important is it to appreciate a woman's contribution while she is a stay at home mom, I mean seriously, give me a break!! And the worst thing to happen is get like the highest number of likes or shares for that stupid post! Most stay at home mom's I know, seem to have given up looking after themselves. I am not against a stay at home mom... I am just against propagating it. You made that choice for yourself.. why gather sympathy now? If you don’t feel good about your situation work on it please.

I feel surprised and disgusted at the same time to know how easy it is to give up and seek solace in misery and let the whole world feel empathetic for your situation...under the veil of posing happy pics with your kid..

While I was pregnant with Annie, I had this constant feeling of unrest within myself as to how my life is going to change after my child comes to my life... Moreover how it will change the equation between me and my husband. While i wanted to enjoy the pleasures of motherhood I certainly was not ready to sacrifice anything else for it. At least mentally I wasn’t... I was in constant need of a solution to come around the situation and was constantly in a state of battle with myself. At work place too, I dealt with challenges like silent dismissal of sorts which irked me even more.
In my bid to do something about this feeling I browsed for hundreds of hours, read quite a few books and even took up a few online courses. It was amongst one of those online courses that I interacted with one kind gentlemen whose wife was passing through the same phase that I was... amongst the other things that he told me was the fact that I now had 'more power' to myself only if I chose to identify it and harness it. While the words 'more power' really stuck with me I was still a little clueless as to what I was going to do with it.

Motherhood came and with it came with all the pleasures and sorrows of parenthood. Annie was the most wonderful I had seen, and I promised myself I’ll give her all the happiness in the world. 2 months later I realized I will not be able to. :p

That i had my demons to fight and I still had a balance to keep with my two month old. So what was I going to do?

I decided to take all the help that was available. A host of people are ready to help only if you allow them to. So parents were involved, house help was sought after, timings were adjusted...
A customary time-out with dear husband was planned time and again! We love the movies, Netflix and the chill.. We figured a way of doing it... No, I will not let go of the things that I hold dear. Frequency was reduced but activity still continued..

I missed my friends… I took Annie along... I wanted to go exercise I took the whole family along, I wanted to dine out I dressed my daughter pretty... the kid ate chicken kalamari at 8 months... the only thing I gave up was my loneli-ism to not let that 'SELF' of me go away...

I attended weddings, traveled to Goa and joined work -- all before Annie turned 6 months... there was no way I was going to let myself go... and in the end achieve an over demanding daughter who sits on my head to get her way.. Annie has been a difficult kid and she still does get her way… But the whole idea ladies, is, to combine two to three circles in the spheres of your life to get the desired results...

The kid will turn out to be wonderful because she has you as her mother...  So choose to be happy so that you can raise a happy child. As Dumbledore once said, “It’s our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities.”


Saturday, May 25, 2013

Tomorrow I will survive

As your remnants still lie beneath
Time and again I think of you
A wave of thoughts immerses me in the events of the past 
then i talk to myself like i would talk to you

Suddenly i stop
Greeted with silence
Hearing the bustling of the trees beneath my house
I realize that the world is moving on without me

As i battle through the cacophony of the voices inside
I lead the inner drive to concentrate on the mundane

And slowly you fade away
While i struggle to adjust my eyes in the dark
I feel
You were planning this darkness forever maybe

I try to put up
Against the witnessed naivety
But those deceiving eyes still hold up strong
Mocking my innocence

I plan my withdrawal
Amidst the echoes of your voice 
Now dimmed by distance

With a promise of revival 
Fighting the chaos inside
I slip into a deep slumber
Tomorrow i will survive


Sunday, June 24, 2012

Sex, Frustration & all that

Ever wondered why your 33 year old unmarried boss is always so pissed off with you? That mid 40's client that you have been servicing for so many years has suddenly started acting like a control freak? That man who calls you every 30 minutes to find out whether the job given to you is in progress or no? that young married & supposedly happily married senior colleague is suddenly sitting on top of your head to watch your every move ? Is that good old friend of yours suddenly been sulking & cribbing a lot more than ever? Have you just been wondering why the world around you is turning so nasty??
Blame it all on sex.. Yes my friend.. My general understanding of life in 28 years of survival tells me that we all work for sex.. not money.. not love? But sex!!

Men get their first erection as babies. Some websites that i have been through have said that using ultra sound scanners baby boys in the womb have been observed with erections. Though i cant prove the authenticity of the information & i haven't been keen enough to check with a doctor, point of the matter remains men have been at it since their fathers seed got into their mothers wombs. On the other side of the gratification lies a woman who in a considerable number of cases has proved to have a much higher sexual appetite than their male partners. Women for that matter have been treated as sexual objects by men forever since forever but studies have proven that lack of sex in a woman can actually affect her head. They may take it as a negative comment on their own attractiveness.

A sexually satisfied human being is much more stable headed, concentrates better, has better relationships and raises better children too.

You might have by now started to wonder that I am being a bit superficial & that sex stands no chance against true love. But hey.. that needs to be expressed too. That needs to be illustrated too.. theres no point of love or true love for that matter if theres no sex. And trust me sex gets into your life much deeper than that.

Ok now forget the penis for a moment, the vagina & the clitoris too.. think of a car instead, lets suppose you buy a brand new car. You carry out your common maintenance tasks regularly like car wash, check replace engine oil, replace oil filters, fuel filters, inspect or replace windshield wipers etc. Why do you do these? For better performance right? So that the car gives a better mileage? yes? Now replace your body with the car? your body will give a better mileage only when your common maintainence task of sex is carried out regularly. Read mileage as anything in this case -- an enhanced work life, good relationships, better parenting etc. 

You bloody well need that sex. & at every point in life. And you have to work for it. If i am sitting around waiting to feel like i feel when i am aroused.. thats not going to happen. i have to do all that i do to make me aroused which even includes arousing your partner if he reciprocates in that fashion. Each one has its own style to make themselves feel aroused.. for some its talking dirty, for some its a kinky movie.. role plays have been popular forever & the fantasy of a doggie style is never out of fashion.

It also works as a great catalyst even in your romance. Couples having regular sex seem to be more romantically involved, enjoy better compatibility levels & have lesser fights. 

Even sex for the heck of it works sometimes. You've had a bad day at office, a pesky relative has made your life miserable or someone's unwanted leching is making you feel uneasy.. come back home, think dirty, talk kinky, see the naked in act & get under sheets & just do it. Even you to yourself if you don't have a partner. after all loving your self & expressing the same towards your body is extremely important.

The other health benefits have been talked about forever.. like improved sense of smell, better skin at old age, less frequent cold & flu, better teeth, controlled cholesterol & what not.. the list is endless.. so you choose.. do it for the perfect body, for a level head, before that important deal you are about to sign, for a better life but just do itt…

And the next time you see your boss ranting unnecessarily.. just smile to your self.. take it easy & say to yourself get some sex baby.. you'll be better off.. ;)


Sunday, September 11, 2011


Silence here & silence there
Inspite of the noise everywhere
Its been long
& i have waited
but u seem to have turned 
& moved far away

my hope is dwindling
my fears increasing
Id be left alone
in this world so bright
where darkness is a form of light

I have been forbidden
from this world they say
for i took the step 
to have u in my way

I explain myself
& fight from within
With the thoughts that claim
The worst of the sins

I look at my naked self in the mirror
& see a frail, easily hurt figure
The once ripening curves 
Now look greyish & sapless

& i think maybe
it just lacks the sun & warmth
disappointed at the resulting womanhood
i realise it has now gone opaque

& then I remember the you
who loved me physically long ago
the passion in your eyes
Sang the songs of lust

The mirror reflects my thinness
But to me it is not becoming
The longish slope of my haunches you loved
Is now, just flatenning

As i slip into my nightdress
& fall back on the bed
another day goes by 
& the endless night comes

Unjust, Unjust, I shout out to myself
I cry out aloud 
& call out your name
Why wont you come
Why wont you come?


PS: This poem cud be considered as a sequel to the previous one, Also the title was suggested by a very dear Friend, Mayur!!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Ode to Power

Today she got up
& did not put on her mask
The one that she used everyday
To fake all her tasks

That morning breeze felt different
And she felt no guilt
Still perceiving in his touch
She had to let it sink

The feeling of his tender lips were still on her body
And she was engulfed in his being
The love marks he’d left
Wanted to scream

But the world wouldn’t accept
& keep her names
She would be disowned
They would be dirty games

Who cares she thought
They wouldn’t know

She’d gone to meet him
In spite the turmoil within herself
She was tired of the mundane
It was time for the forbidden

He stood there waiting for her
Like 10 years back
Both had aged up now
& the time had lapsed

Her stomach had funny circles
As she moved forward to greet
Fighting the restrictions aside
She placed a kiss on his cheek

The plan was a drink & dinner & a drive back home
But the situation today, would take a new turn

The conversation was mundane, just at the brim
They let their eyes , do the thing

2 drinks & loosened up
They had now started to laugh

The guards were coming down
And he suggested a drive
The destination was unknown
& the morning went till 5

The music was regular
Not setting up the mood
They both were alone

She knew what would happen next
Knowing not how to begin
The communication was meaningless

He was just buying time
He loved to see her talk
Her innocence her charm
He was letting the whole thing form

The devil was in his mind
& he took the first step
Laughing like a child
Slowly he held her hand

The talks stopped for a second
And then she resumed
She stared into his eyes
And let her hand be

He peeked at her from the corner of his eye
Unsure of what she felt
He dint know how to proceed

It was her turn now
To let the devil take control
She led him ahead
Slowly down the road

Her heart beating fast
She leaned on him
Confirming her presence
It all came clean

In no time their lips had met
& the rest is what you can guess
They were spent in each others arms
In the cars back seat

As she walked out of his car; placed a kiss on his cheek
She waved him a good bye
Thinking that they’d never meet

She would get back tomorrow
And wear the same old mask
But today was different
She couldn’t fake her tasks

For no one would approve
Of her dirty deeds
She’d failed her marriage
& failed herself

She wanted go
& tell him that she loved
But she was 10 years late

She took the step ahead
And broke the mundane
She ended the already dead
They all disowned her
She was now alone.

She doesn’t know where to find him
For he was gone
He’d come back one day
& she’d wait that long


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Political Boogie Boogie

Ok… This country is probably at the crossroads of its governance. And the government is creating examples of how not to govern repeatedly. Every news that hits the stands greets aggression from all platforms that humankind has ever rendered us with. I don’t think any other citizen’s civil life is as exciting & as happening as that of an Indian. Seriously!! Where do you get scams of that magnitude at a rapid rate? Too much to dope about!!

Everyone’s talking about them & some people (who call themselves social representatives/leaders) have gone to the extent of finding some sort of solution to the so called gaming-scheming the corporate & political bigwigs of India Inc have put us into.

How do we find a solution to this is the biggest question the nation is facing at this moment. It has to stop somewhere & how?

Everybody is exploring all the angles their brain cells could allow & different people in power from various places have come up with suggestions to alleviate the consequences of potential malfunctioning in the system. Not even one stone has been left unturned in criticizing the government’s actions to deal with the situation & don’t even get me started on our lousy PMjee's lame duck attitude.

There are some who have emerged from nowhere to represent the new face of political leadership & have made an attempt to experiment revolt methods to succumb the government to their demands. These movements have somehow gathered momentum with people from different strata’s joining their cause. Slowly with the growing aggression the news has travelled to the news stands & electronic channels who know how to make the most of this kind of dope – ultimately leading to gaining the stature of being called a MOVEMENT. And bang.. The guy leading the movement suddenly gets some 1million searches on the Google page, which means you know he's famous.

A few such movements lately. Like the Candle lighting after the 26/11 Mumbai attack, The Hazare fast movement & the Ramdev's bullshit at Ramlila Maidan (it’s a movement, nevertheless) & the likes are some of the most recent ones.

Also with this kind of a political environment there is an increasing necessity to belong to one of these movements according to my observation (which could well be wrong). The need to be classified into something that everyone else is into. Its about more than herd behavior, Like more of taking stands but It is definitely of vital importance to ‘Belong’ & have an opinion of that belonging; same as everyone else in that particular belonging. For e.g.: Like the houses in school where pupils are divided into a number of houses which are named after maybe Saints, colors etc. Every kid admitted into a certain house conducts all activities within the jurisdiction or for that house. The individual accolades win points for the house & there is competition between houses. See the political parties behaving in a somewhat similar manner?

So how did all of this occur to me?

The other day while in a general discussion I asked a colleague supporting the newly formed deliberate eating disorders in our country, as to what does one gain after the atrophied party breaks the adamancy of its opponent? Have we had instances of any good done by it till now?
Well, there have been future talks of how things might take place & that one such movement did manage to break the adamancy of the beaurocracy to some extent but is still struggling to get its cause corrected. So, ultimately they are still at Square 1. So my question... You break their will in your favor & then what?
And he remains speechless. But he is also adamant. It will do good he knew. Or he believes!! (A part of the belonging) How?? No clue. Whatsoever!! Also there were a few other such instances which made me believe that there is an increasing tendency to be classified in to the house system laid by the British Raj. Yes it was bought to us by them. By and large I could think for four broad classifications.

The cursory supporters:
If you find yourself supporting a particular cause just because you feel like supporting a cause or because your neighbor supports it, welcome to being a cursory supporter. In this you have no fucking clue why you support this cause. You just support it because so that you are not left out of discussions & you also have a view of that group. (Just a borrowed one) You are with a belonging & you feel safe. You are neither interested nor likely to develop interest in the wrong-doings of the movement or the society or what others think or whether anyone cares a fuck. You got yourself classified & u r happy.

The Fervent disciples:
If you are one of those who feels deeply for this country & are extremely saddened by the fact that the on-goings are spoiling its reputation, welcome to being the ‘Fervent Disciple’. Your situation is just a little better than the Cursory ones because you know the exact purpose of the movement & support it with full reason. What you don’t know is whether it will lead to the desired outcome & you haven’t even thought it that way. Basically you are totally missing the cause for which you are fighting. For you participating is of utmost importance. You will find yourself contributing to status updates posted on social networking websites, making opinions or initiating open-ended discussions, participating in rallies/candle lights held across your city, forwarding smses, encouraging others to support the cause & then rejoicing after the adamancy has been broken. You then slowly return to your work & lifestyle thinking you have done your bit whereas the matter which you supported is still somehow n the bin. You have just wasted your time & energy, satisfied your patriotic desire & been a part of fueling the trending topics on twitter with a #tag. (Get the connection?)

The imperturbable Mortals:
These ones though they get classified together as a natural process & just make more sense they do no good to no one. They try to reason out everything & dont support anything. They are the first ones who'll question the meaning of the Lokpal Bill in campaigns like that. They'll reason out the supporters movement & may counter question one of the supporters to judge whether the movements existing purpose & tweak his head to make sense. Everything verified they may still decide not to support the movement because they are unsure of the ultimate outcome of the movement even after its success. They’ll also be the first ones to criticize with a ‘I told you so attitude” & will quietly enjoy the results if things succeed. They can make a good point while arguing against something & can criticize to No hell as to what disaster or what non-senses is being caused around.

The bootless Mentor
These are our new age gurus, the columnists, the bloggers, the opinion-makers & the likes. They have a lot to talk about. They often raise the most valid points, criticize the right things & point out the right mistakes. You’ll see a series of comments made by the Fervent Disciples & Imperturbable Mortals on their blogs & websites. They give a lot of valid dope, come on talk shows, get featured in newspapers & make the above 3 categories think. But then? What’s the point?

Whatever one may support/not support everybody just seems to be so confused to me. The youth, the government, the politicians, the civilians. Supporting a cause is a good thing but this country does not give you reason to think straight & its becoming more of a concern rather than just a misunderstanding. It somehow shows that people seem to need to vent out the sudden wave of discomforting events. They are ready to support any Tom, Dick & Harry movement in the rage to do so. They just want justice & they want their money back. (Well, at least some think they'll get their money back. Ask them how & they'll have no fucking clue)

Adding fuel to this fire are the social media platforms multiplying into our blood like a new virus. All the mediums of communications seem to be connected & somehow it seems to pick the best of every sentiment from all the movement & place it on their platform to get the best out of it.
Eventually what we have is a Mixed Vegetable handi of the communication platforms where the social media activists (thought leaders, columnists) struggle to get to print through their Twitter updates, the print media writes of how FB & twitter have revolutionized everything (describing how the news of the movement has become big) & how information transcends at an electric rate.

So with whom lies the solution? I am as confused as you are. But I believe the Lokpal if formed was a good measure to start with. Secondly, just because one thing succeeded by conducting a fast that cant be se as a measure for something else by someone else. Remember that theory just because a thing A worked for some cause it may not work for other cause. The Ramdev’s insane rally should not have received this wide a magnitude. His entire stuff was bizarre. This guy teaches yoga, & should be trusted only for that. The government has definitely made a fool of themselves by doing a 360 degree aasan trying to turn the whole thing around. Firstly they took Hazare for granted & in order to avoid that kind of mistake again… took Ramdev too seriously? What bullshit!!

It’s been a monster drive for us till now & we don’t know for how long it will stay this way. But I believe the cleanup has begun. The chaos will bring in order in some form. The Cursory, Fervent & the Bootless will make sense & may be able to think clearly & we may actually end up having a stable government.

With an induced feeling to ‘belong’ to a lesser scammed country - AMEN. SUM AMEN.