Rabindranath Tagore says this in Gitanjali:

'Obstinate are the trammels but my heart aches when i try to break them. Freedom is all I want, but to hope for it I feel ashamed. I am certain that priceless wealth is in thee, and that thou art my best friend. But I have not the heart to sweep away the tinsel that fills my room. The shroud that covers me is the shroud of dust & death. I hate it yet I hug it in love. My debts are large, my failures great, my shame secret & heavy. Yet when I come to ask for my good, I quake in fear lest my prayer be granted'

These words almost sound like contemporary & ancient both at the same time... Didn't it make you wait & think for awhile? An alert mind experiencing this &can take the effort to pen it down. Its easier to feel than to express. Just like its easier to feel free when you are actually trapped. It just probably explains the situation for all of us. We are all slaves living under the disguise of freedom. Aren't we?

We all have chains around all of us. Chains of relationships like love, friendship etc.. also many others of a similar kind. Since we are in these chains we long for freedom but now tht one has got so attached to the chains given the freedom desired they might be afraid to take it.. Get it?
Obstinate are the trammels but my heart aches when i try to break them. Freedom is all I want, but to hope for it I feel ashamed.
Its like one is so attached to some chain tht he might feel bad to break them... Consider your boss in ur organization.. The same guy whom you curse day in & day out. He might have been a good human being.. In reality he might have wanted something else from his life but he is like that today bec he is trapped.. under his responsibilities... and so he is like that. not his fault... so what can we do? give him what he wants in his life... he might hv wanted to be a freer man... But if he does get the kinda freedom he wants today he will not take it up.... Freedom is all I want, but to hope for it I feel ashamed. Ur chains have become your friends. U cant live without your chains. They provide you security. Freedom means a lotta responsibility. Chains to everyday mundane life.. to fulfill the dreams of ur family.. these chains trap a human being completely.... But what can we do?? Slaves aren't we??? why should we feel ashamed of the freedom?? Probably bec we can hv freedom anytime.. but these chains keep us tied.. Chains are miseries.. giving happiness sometimes.... like being grounded with dreams to fly...

I am certain that priceless wealth is in thee, and that thou art my best friend.
Freedom is a lot of responsibility and one is certain that in longing for this freedom cannot be futile... it has to be for something worthy... and the freedom is ones best friend... But these are hopes that lie in one heart. They may or may not come out to be true. And above these uncertain hopes are my chains of security ( read slavery) which are certain. and so i prefer clinging to them.
But I have not the heart to sweep away the tinsel that fills my room. And so i do not have the courage to overcome or break the chains of slavery that exist in my life...

The shroud that covers me is the shroud of dust & death. I hate it yet I hug it in love.
This one becomes a little more philosophical but the mng in indeed beautiful. it refers to the body [shroud]. One knows its useless & life less & that the reality lies in the soul... I am aware of my fake body & so I hate it & still I hug it in love... [ instances of lovely hypocrisies of humankind ;) ]

My debts are large, my failures great, my shame secret & heavy. Yet when I come to ask for my good, I quake in fear lest my prayer be granted'
This ones beautiful.. Kinda refers to the very first post i wrote abt my graduation coming to an end. It says tht when u keep struggling for something you fall in love with the chase. U become so attached to the chase of finding that certain something tht you forget the whole motive. Something what i wrote in the first post which meant that i was getting my post grads degree- something for which i have been working hard. But i wasn't happy the day i got it... why because i had fallen in love with the chase.. fallen in love with the path tht led me towards it...
so when i finally get it i wasn't happy.. what do i do now?? Now tht i hv got wht i want i shd hv been happy but i wasn't... -> Yet when I come to ask for my good, I quake in fear lest my prayer be granted' I am afraid what will i do with the freedom which i have been asking for? I have got so attached to the chase tht i have for gotten the whole motive of the chase.


Brilliant isn't it? ;)

Note: Inspiration of this write up comes from Osho's Book -> Freedom [The courage to be yourself]

Random thoughts

Life is a bitch... it certainly is.... It slaps you hard when you are on your last licks... It just leaves you when u want company..... when u want somebody to listen to you...
Its important sometimes that you are just heard to.. without been questioned a bit... Just need to vent yourself of the daily burdens....
Sounds negative... but then.. ppl put up wid me.. coz this IS my space... I intend to relieve my head of some stupid feelings & thots..
Its just some of those days where u remember if u had to now write an essay on 'The day when everything went wrong' you would know exactly wot to write... Back then in school i made up stories for the sake of the write up... not that right now i am gonna elaborate on tht essay but sometimes life pinches you hard... and all you are left with is a red itchy mark on ur skin with no reasons to back it up...
It gets you thinking... for reasons unknown.. maybe its just my own pang & i need somebody to blame it on... maybe i feel so weak at times tht i need a wall to lean on.. is tht wrong? do i sound weird? do i sound like one confused soul who is wandering on this earth & struggling to find its identity?
Sometimes i think to myself..
Do i know me?
Do i knw wot does life want outta me?
Does my life have a definite direction?
Is it necessary at all for an individual in his life to have a direction?
Where is my career heading towards?
M i happy with my career.. wot would i be doing if i wouldn't be in Polaris?
Do i wanna change my industry? Can i excell here? Wht if i turn out to be a failure?
Will i ever marry? Do i want to marry? Can i live alone? All my life... will it be possible...
If yes.. how will i feel Alone or Lonely?
Ah these are just passing thots probably... i may or may not take some of them seriously.. Or may be some f them...
Maybe the career related issues can be worked upon to atleast get a definite answer..
Money does seem to be an intriguing factor but satisfaction of work tops the list i guess...
So i may well put some thot into it....
Whoa... I dunno wht am i writing .... But today i feel ife questioning my life & my existence on this earth... There is this idealistic path & there is this realistic path... they dont seem to meet in life... A fren recently asked.. 'Can we live in an idealistic world..?'
It got me thinking.. dunno wot i answered him tht moment i guess i told him its quite poss...
But then wot does it take to get to living idealistic?
Would it be fun? Would everything right in ones life be OK? Does idealism actually relate to things going right? Or does it mean things going in the way they should go? But who decides how shd they go? U? The world? The society? Will idealism make you/me happy?
Does any body recall any picture purrfect situation? THE most idealistic one?
Can a person hv total control of his life? Can he behave the way he wishes like? Does he need to adhere to society & its rules? Will his own control lead to his own disaster?

Sometimes you feel trapped.. You wanna get out of it... Out of your mind who constantly questions you thousands of things about ur identity.. your future...
U feel like a leg stuck in a half broken shoe... like a cockroach lying upside down on a layer of water.. Helpless.. hopeless... struggling to find its way out...

But one day i will surely seek answers to these questions.. till then ..

Check these lovely lyrics by Aerosmith... [The god of rock]

Hole In My Soul

I'm down a one way street

With a one night stand

With a one track mind

Out in no man's land

The punishment sometimes

Don't seem to fit the crime

Yeah there's a hole in my soul

But one thing I've learned

For every love letter written

There's another one burned

So you tell me how it's gonna be this time

Is it over?

Is it over?

'Cause I'm blowin' out the flame

Take a walk outside your mind

Tell me how it feels to be

The one who turns

The knife inside of me

Take a look and you will find

There's nothing there, girl

Yeah I swear, I'm telling you, girl yeah 'cause

(Chorus)

There's a Hole In My Soul

That's been killing me forever

It's a place where a garden never grows

There's a Hole In My Soul

Yeah, I should have known better

'Cause your love's like a thorn without a rose

Yeah, yeah

I'm as dry as a seven year drought

I got dust for tears

Yeah I'm all tapped out

Sometimes I feel broken and can't get fixed

I know there's been all kinds of shoes

Underneath your bed

Now I sleep with my boots on

But you're still in my head

And something tells me this time

I'm down to my last licks

'Cause if it's over

Then it's over

And it's driving me insane

Take a walk outside your mind

Tell me how it feels to be

The one who turns

The knife inside of me

Take a look and you will find

There's nothing there, girl, yeah, I swear

I'm telling you girl yeah 'cause

(Chorus)

Yeah, is it over?

Yeah, it's over

And I'm blowing out the flame

Take a walk outside your mind

Tell me how it feels to be

The one who turns

The knife inside of me

Take a look and you will find

There's nothing there, girl, yeah, I swear

I'm telling you girl yeah 'cause

Cheers
Sne!!

to each his own

The day after the diwali celebration i was feeling pretty listless at home... i explored all the possibilities of passing time... but all in vain...
Somehow at last i caught hold of a fren of mine who had a bit of time to spare & went out wid her for a drive.... we werent really sure where we were heading towards.... we just stopped at a nearby mall to do some window shopping... Basically we were just busy catching up on the lost times (due to change in jobs & cities) chatting all the way looking at things & ppl & just passing empty comments... since our sole motive was to PASS time... we were doing just that....
whilst in the midst of the conversation i saw some female at the mall... or i thot i saw a female who was soo not like a female.... finding something weird i decided to investigate & follow tht person a bit to get a better look... to my surprise tht person was a male in an attire of a women....
It was not only me but several others who were staring at that female cum male personality at the mall... he was carrying a ladies purse, was wearing high heels & was wearing lotsa make up & was dressed up like a complete woman...


i just blurted out the word transvestite... My fren along asked me wots tht???
I simply replied to her thts a man who likes to dress up like a women... or any human being who like to dress up unlike the sex tht they were born with....
naturally my fren asked me why wud someone do tht??? do u know anything more abt them??
well tht time i had no answer.... but now i do.
so this ones for u NEHA,


wiki says:
Transvestism is literally the practice of cross-dressing, wearing the clothing of the opposite sex, and transvestite literally refers to a person who cross-dresses.


The meaning of Transvestism has undergone quite a few changes since the time it was first coined in 1910.
Hence even today when we use the word its necessary to find out the context tht its been used in.


A dude called Magnus Hirschfeld coined this term tranvestism... this guy was a german physician, sexologist & a gay rights advocate...
he used this term to describe ppl who habitually or voluntarily wore clothes of the opposite sex.
but he knew tht tranvestism was not just all abt clothes.. its related to things & incidents beyond tht... it related to ppl who psychologically felt themselves as those of opp sex....
[can u imagine?????]
Herschfeld helped them get their first sexual reassignment surgery... or something called as a transgender ... or something more popularly known as third gender those dayz.....
[imagine waking up one fine day to find ur sex changed... oouch...in the morning ... yes.....
forgive my perversion to those who let their thots run wild until they heard themselves say yikes]


Hirschfeld also noticed that sexual arousal was often, but not always, associated with transvestite behaviour; he also clearly distinguished between transvestism as an expression of a person's "contra-sexual" (transgender) feelings and fetishistic behaviour, even if the latter involved wearing clothes of the other sex.


In the Nazi era the Hirschfeld concepts of transvestites came to an end & transvestite behaviour came to be observed as an expression of homosexuality or some kinds of suppressed behaviours within ppl.
In tht era another Greman sexologist called Harry Benjamin & his associates started working on these crossed dressed ppl and tried to fit them somewhere betn males & females [2 gendered framework as it was well know tht time] & came up with a new term called as transsexualism.
This term was totally against wot Hirschfeld wanted to establish. Hirschfeld strived to give these ppl some standard in the society where these ppl cud live the way they needed but Harry Benjamin's era forced these ppl to live like proper men or women. If a person cud not be cured of transvestite behaviour they were made to change sex & those who refused to do so were termed as homosexuals... so the nazis turned the transvestites into homos


Later in 1969 the stonewall riots [a series of violent conflicts between New York City Police officers and groups of gay and transgender people] brought to light a distinction betn homosexuals & transvestites since more & more lesbians & gays started becoming visible who did not show tranvestite behaviour.


This brought the humans to believe Hirschfeld's theory of transvestites & their role played in sexual arousal. Transvestites are basically MALES dressed like females because in tht era the western societies permitted women to wear clothes like men on grounds of fashion... & therefore male bodied species dressing up like women popularly came to be known as transvestites.
[PS: this does not mean there can be no female transvestites]


Today transvestites are often confused to be homosexuals. A person may not want to reveal his sexual identity due to social pressure.. In most cases this situation can become agonizing for him..
Its also said tht transvestite fetishes often fade away with time & if a person wants he can even get some decent counseling advice where he can meet other transvestites & discuss his problems or share his emotions perhaps.
Transvestism cannot hamper a personality of an individual who chooses to indulge in it... as rightly said its a fetish & it has all the possibilities of fading away with time.
One last note to ppl are who r still reading this piece...
Do not confuse transvestism with homosexuality... there is absolutely no link... most of the transvestites are often heterosexuals....
I Hope all my male friends are listening!!!! ;)


Cheers
Sne!!!

GODLY THINGS

Indian society is a hypocratic society in some ways...... it has the weirdest rules & procedures lined up for all to follow. The ones who dnt follow are obviously forbidden... forbidden by all... humans, animals & GODS of all things.... and some of the funniest lines i hv heard is
'YOUR GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE U!!!' or remember coming across some lines like...
'I SWEAR ON TO MY GOD I DINT DO xxx'.
its not our fault... we hv been conditioned to live & believe that GOD exists & he is cruel & mean... beacuse if u dare to step beyond the lines that he has drawn for u he will punish you.... we get so conditioned with these thoughts & carry that burden of guilt all our lives on our shoulders and relieve it on our children... and they follow the same procedure...and pass it on... give the concept of GOD a break!!! if he is supposed to exist he is supposed to be super human.... he does not know 'PUNISHMENTS' he does not know 'REVENGE' . Only humans are recognized with these green qualities.... envy is a human trait... like others... not a godly trait.....
we dnt realise if there is something like GOD tht exists or any thing like an innate power whch some prefer to call GOD (its more modern u know??... "GOD!!??!!! wot GOD?? I dnt believe in any GOD... yaa but there is this innate power that i experience sometimes" huh.. Like i care!!!) that 'power' or 'GOD' is supp to be free... free like AIR... available for all....
We dnt even spare GOD... we are the ones who r mean.. POSSESSIVE.... Love is freedom just lasts in books.... Ur beliefs shd hv wings are just sayings.... all air.. NO MATTER!!! No fucking matter at all... we wanna possesses our loved ones.... we hv to hv our so called loved one to ourselves.. heard lovers conversating??? 'say ur mine?' ONLY MINE??? yes i am urs only urs.... BULL SHIT....
& that comes down to GOD Too.... MY GOD... YOUR GOD... Jesus to a christian & Krishna to a Hindu.... GOD IS ONE... Exists in books... only paper.. waste of thought & trees...
Gosh we must halt.. we must all think!!##$$%!!!...
why shd possession exist for any living beings??? we wanna possess birds in cages? we love having aquariums in our homes... we are all sadists... we love to see things trapped....
Heard the story of a famous king who was sick & tired outta his life? a bird used to come to his window & sing for him.. later he thought of caging the bird & having it all by himself.. the poor bird died.
We will al die one day... we will all die outta being trapped... trapped with various things..
RELIGION topping it all... we are all slaves to our religion.... Our religions forbid us from doing the most common things... ever thought of SEX??? its forbidden... We are forbidden to think abt it... obviously forbidden to do it!! For Indians its forbidden before marriage... after marriage u can fuck many.... like a promiscuous many....
Why?? why do u think we do these things? because we dnt get enough of it?? Nope... Because we are told its a taboo.... and so whenever we get a let out we do it... to satisfy our alter ego... all are capable of being a 'I am a one man woman' & 'I am a one woman man' types but these things are far from reality.. we are making love... visualising another...

Ever wondered why? Its our up bringing probably.... It creates fear of God... Fear of Sex... [the ultimate expression of love]
as long as we all live here on this earth we will satisfy our innate beings.. remember the id , ego theory by Freud? ? ?
Love is ultimately supp to be free... Only free love is true love... [else is morphed... bought!!....] let it grow.. express... make love.. set it free... give wings... fly.... without knowing no boundaries.... keep no aim... but to fly together.... know no society.. no religion... be crazy.... passionate... love for being loved not for owing love.

Cheers
Sne!!

There is a time in probably all our lives when we feel mushy enough like a poet or deeply involved into some concentric area in our lives & ultimately those thoughts get transferred onto paper in terms of a poem....
However idiotic it may sound its true for most of us!!! and in some unknown wy it helps us grow. well heres a composition from me wrtten in jan 2001.... This ones really sweet (acc to me) & kiddish too... but its has its own thing....
PS: Do not read this piece with any expectation!!!


The Secret Of our Relation


Things between you and me aren’t very smooth,
Sometimes they seem to me like a withered trees root,
But there is some bond that keeps us tied,
This one fact with each other we cannot hide.


You are always opposite in everything I do,
But you are always there when times are blue,
We show so much hatred towards each other,
But have strong faith in one another.


At times we try to keep peace,
Things then are much at ease,
But we both aren’t ready to accept this fact,
And suddenly turn opposite to each other’s act.


Things aren’t right,
If they don’t go wrong,
This is the secret,
Of our very strong bond




Cheers
Sne!!

POST GRADUATION AND FINALLY!!

It’s a weird mix of emotions.... its amazing to realize that when u keep running for something for a long period of time & when u finally get it u just dnt want it anymore & u just go ahead & receive it because at tht point of time there is nothing better tht u cud hv done.... Everybody else is congratulating u for ur achievement but u r not happy... Not happy at all.....

Its weird but really true....

Albert Einstein once said tht only 2 things are constant :Human stupidity & the universe and I am not sure of the latter...

It might hv been a very very deep thought.

Humans hv stupid emotions but if u look at it the other way someone who might want to find any sense in emotions is really stupid... and that’s why probably the thought of constant human stupidity....

I wish sometimes tht I was an emotion.... so free... so simple... silly yet beautiful & no sign of practicality wotsoever.... having a mind of my own.... no boundaries recognized no borders drawn... just the original innate, raw being who just wants to end its life by exploiting itself best for wot its been meant to last for.. ie being in panache completely.... being itself.....

Humans are seldom appreciated for being onself and its probably the emotions tht one experiences time & again tht makes one realize wot he is after.... its said tht ppl who are sensitive feel life closer.... like experiencing life more closely & ppl who do not express their emotions are recognized by our society as the ones who hv a practical side of their life on the heavier side of the balance....

But I somehow dnt believe this.... hv nothing to revolt on this one though but just the fact tht ppl who show they are practical may as well be not... but the ones who are multi emotional... [Nice term ;)]

In the juggle of hiding the real emotions they probably undergo a conflicting emotional turmoil...

I strongly believe tht if u are deeply unhappy & are trying to hide it its only gotta be by showing extreme unwanted happiness.... (Spreading of shitty happiness acc to them wud make their lives better) & in this juggle u loose urself.... completely.....

After a certain period of time one can get soo engrossed in faking emotions tht one might not realize wot are his true emotions..... Those emotions are usually talked of being suppressed.... & since free & independent things can never be stored at a place they eventually find their way out & this is probably called as the outburst of emotions....

Why I wrote this I am unaware... I just know I dint wanna stop my fingers when they wanted to run... who knows it might hv an outburst from my fingers & next u know I hv fractured my fingers... (BAD JOKE I SUPPOSE)

Getting back....

Got my degree & I dint wanna go back from my college.... it was difficult to believe tht my student life is over....

One big big phase of my life is over & the next phase has almost begun.... a phase of more responsibilities alongwith everything else.....

Somehow I dnt wanna get outta my previous phase & wanna be a student al my life....

Especially This MBA course has given me sooooo much..... Its changed the whole perspective of looking at things. its a complete paradigm shift!!

My never seeked freedom, financial responsibility, chance to stay outta house, & also a job tht feeds me today...

Met so many ppl in these two yrs.. & made a lotta friends... of all kinds... superficial, non superficial & ones beyond tht....

and above all memories to cherish al my life..

Soo much given without asking nything....

There are no days like the ones that we spend in college....

Ny which ways...

Next lined up in my life is.... sticking around this job for a while till I get something better (In terms of money I guesss)

Signing off

Sne!!

22:47